you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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