all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
