well you can't waste a boner
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize