That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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