I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
