Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I skipped work to stalk him.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
