An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
