I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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