Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
