I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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