I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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