It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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