Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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