i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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