Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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