So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
