I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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