Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize