he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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