Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
