if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
