im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
