Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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