So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
