dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
