Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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