$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
