he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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