everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
