Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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