i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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