I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize