did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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