i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
And then my night got REAL pukey
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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