Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
