just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
