Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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