There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
