I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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