I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
