break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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