So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
