the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
