You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
