Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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