so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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