hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
