I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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