So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
