Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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