and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
