I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
