I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
