I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
