She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
