I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
