Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
don't judge my taste in strippers
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
