Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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