I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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