Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
