I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I have fence marks all over my body
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
