I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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