Umm I'm too high to move.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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