I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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