If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Randomize
