pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
