Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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