I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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